Reality
re·al·i·ty
Noun: The world or state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.
Well sometimes, just sometimes … reality sucks.
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I know what makes her smile, but I want to know what makes her different.
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† Because its Easter Sunday & because I miss Hawaii! Happy Easter! ♡
Story of my life;
Our Last Conversation.
Three weeks ago, I sat anxiously waiting to be called to the altar to speak in front of both family and strangers, who were gathered together for one purpose; to say goodbye to Leonila Bergania; my Apo, my grandmother.
The night before/morning of her funeral, I was up until 5:00am trying to find the right words to say to honour her life and the woman she was. I knew I would never be able to write the perfect eulogy, so I chose to just speak from the heart – well, whatever was left of it anyway.
A good friend of mine put it perfectly; this is the last conversation you get to have with her. Everyone else is just privy to it.
So here it is, my last words to her …
Close it, or open it?
When someone you love leaves your life, things change. You don’t really have a choice, they just do.
Death is no stranger to me. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost someone I loved.
While I knew that losing my Grandma was going to rip me apart, the reality of physically losing her forever (although, still a little surreal) has affected me more than I anticipated – and in ways I never imagined.
A part of me feels like closing my heart; to stop loving, to stop caring and to stop feeling altogether. Mostly to avoid feeling like this ever again.
But another part of me feels an unfamiliar kind of urgency to open my heart; to love more, to care more and to feel more than I ever have before. Mostly because life is too short and precious to waste on being afraid.
Yes. I have become a living, breathing anomaly.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with the death of a loved one, and there is no measure of time allocated to heal, to move on and find my place again.
But I know I will, one day.
People walk in & out of our lives all the time; don’t be sad about the ones who chose to walk away, instead, celebrate those who chose to stay. ♡
The Heavy Wait.
I love roller coasters and big thrill kind of rides! Aside from releasing the inner child, I love the way they elicit all sorts of different feelings at the same time; fear, excitement, nostalgia, anticipation, nervousness, nausea etc.
Since Wonderland Sydney closed down years ago, I haven’t been able to get a rollercoaster fix easily; I’ve often had to travel hours and over seas to get a fix. But a few weeks ago, a group of friends and I went to Dreamworld; Australia’s largest theme park, in Queensland.
At Wonderland Sydney, there was a ride called the Space Probe – it was one of those freefall/drop tower rides. It was 200ft (67m) tall and when the vehicle reached the peak, you would enter what looked like a massive umbrella with TV screens on the inside. There would be a visual and audio countdown starting from 10. Sometimes, the countdown wouldn’t even reach 1 before the ride dropped you at 120km/h (75mph). Other times, it would count down all the way to 1, but just to torture you a little bit, it would leave you hanging, forcing you to open your eyes to see what the hell was going on, and then drop you suddenly. It was torture, but we loved it anyway.
Similarly at Dreamworld, there is The Giant Drop. Double the Space Probe’s height at 120m tall (390ft), it is, at present, the tallest freefall ride in the world.
Of all the big thrill rides on offer at Dreamworld, this was the one I was dreading the most. Not only because of it’s height, but mostly because of that exaggerated my-stomach-is-in-my-throat feeling you get with these bastard free fall rides! I would rather a rollercoaster that yanks me this way and that way for 5 minutes straight!
On The Giant Drop, you sit on an 8-seater, floorless gondola. Thankfully, there were exactly 8 of us, so we were able to ride together. The journey up the tower is absolute torture. The first part of the climb is really fast, but it’s the last few meters that are the worst. You feel as if you’re just left there to dangle, being forced to take in just how high you are and torture you with the anticipation of the drop. But on closer inspection, you are still climbing, just at a snail’s pace. The lady operating the ride warned us about this slow climb. She said, “It will feel like we’re leaving you up there to torture you, but I assure you, we never leave you hanging. As soon as you reach the top, it will drop straight away”. The climb takes 90 seconds; more than 60 of those seconds – I’m convinced – are dedicated to the slow climb alone. So you sit there, strapped in, feet dangling, watching the ground continue to slowly minify beneath you. You don’t actually know when you’re going to drop; all you know is that you’re going to. At 135km/hr (84mph) no less. And when you eventually do, you feel like you’re going to die. But 5 seconds later, you’re back on the ground, heart-pounding and throat aching from screaming, before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter with your friends. You made it, and you’re alive. Hurray!
Like I said earlier, I love rides. But the one thing I (love to) hate is that anticipation of the inevitable; that big drop, the first dip after a slow and tortuous climb, a giant loop, that part where the rollercoaster track twists violently etc. You know it’s going to happen eventually; your palms are sweating, you’re intermittently cursing and praying, your heart is beating out of your chest, you hold onto the safety harnesses for dear life, before screaming, “I want to get off” … but it’s too late, you’re already on the ride.
It got me thinking about what is going on in my world at the moment, aka my life’s ride. In life we have much to anticipate and there are many things that are inevitable; one of these things is death – whether it is our own, or someone else’s. We know it’s going to happen, but we just don’t know when. And much like those rides, the anticipation of the inevitable is torture – especially when the inevitable is made more of a reality; through sickness, old age, an accident, tragedy or natural disaster. Most times, you’re never going to be completely ready for it, no matter how much you have mentally and/or physically prepared yourself. Whatever that means. It just doesn’t work that way.
I just hope that when the inevitable happens – much like these free fall rides – those feelings of dizziness, helplessness and nausea are temporary, and the next thing I know, I’ll back on solid ground and standing on my own two feet again.
However we all know real life isn’t like that. But just as long as I’ve got the people I love along with me for the ride, then I know that no matter what, I will be okay.
No matter how much you THINK you know, there is ALWAYS so much more that you don’t.
The Motto, Degrassi style. HAHA!
(via thisiswhatwinnersdo)
Survey says?
1. What did you do in 2011 that you have never done before?
Too many things to mention, but the things that come to mind; Bought a car and went to Hawaii twice! :)
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes and no; I’m a different person to who I was this time last year, so my goals and dreams changed as I did. But personal growth and change were some of my resolutions for 2011, so I guess that’s a good thing.
As for 2012; I don’t have any particular goals. I think it will be a year of rolling with the punches. Sometimes letting life come to you is a beautiful thing. Over-planning kills everything.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES! My sister-in-law and brother welcomed little miss Isabelle Rueda into the world. Our little munchkin who I fell in love with at first sight!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.
5. What countries did you visit?
The Americas; my favourite playground.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
More geographical adventures.
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 28; the day we met.
June 30; the day I became an Auntie.
September 14; the day I took Mr Rukus home.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Allowing myself to experience things without hesitating; regardless of the possible outcomes.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Neglecting my jewellery line. Again.
I swear, 2012 will be THE year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thank God.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
A shiny, brand new car – my Toyota Rukus, aptly named Mr Rukus!
A spontaneous plane ticket to Hawaii for November 2011 for my girl’s birthday.
Oh and another plane ticket for a family holiday in March 2012.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The people in my life who just gave it a go and stepped out of their comfort zones and those few women in my life who always had my back; financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
The people, women in particular, in my life who are living well below their potential and have settled for people and things that are less than they deserve.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Plane tickets, Mr Rukus and towards my food, music, alcohol and fashion love.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All of my travel plans; including introducing some very important ladies in my life to my love, Hawaii!
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Wiz Khalifa - Black and Yellow
Drake Ft. Rihanna – Take Care
J Boog – Lifetime Lover & Sunshine Girl
Yg – Toot It and Boot It
Amongst so many others.
17. Compared to this time last year:
Happier or sadder? … Happier in most ways, sadder in some ways.
Older or wiser? … Both, I hope?
Thinner or Fatter? … Oh god, no comment!
Richer or poorer? … Richer in some ways, poorer in others.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Told people that I loved them.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I don’t like having regrets of things that I’ve chosen to do, so even if there are things I could change .. I wouldn’t.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with family; immediate and extended! A day and night of highs and lows.
21. How will you be spending New Years Eve?
For the first time in my life, I’ll be ringing in the new year without my family. I’ll be in the city with my friends doing what we do best; eating, drinking and being retards.
22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
… or something like it? Yes! :)
23. How many one-night stands?
HAHA, NEXT.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Didn’t watch much TV this year, but I’d have to say Winners & Losers! Yay for good Aussie television! :)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No!
26. What was the best book you read?
I hate this question; I didn’t finish any books this year. I started a few though. That’s going to change in 2012. I’m planning on reading at least one book per month!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Fell deeper in love with Drake.
After years of hating on Kanye West, I gave in. Just a little.
Big Sean and J. Cole too. Mmmm!
28. What did you want and get?
A car, more ink, crazy memories to add to my collection and romance.
29. What did you want and not get?
More time, however unrealistic that is.
30. What was your favourite film(s) of this year?
Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows Part 2.
Breaking Dawn Part 1.
I watched many others, but can’t think of them right now? haha!
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24 this year! :) It was the HOTTEST day of 2011 and I spent it by the water at Opera Bar with some of my nearest and dearest.
32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More art and creativity.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Either lots of black or lots of colour!
34. What kept you sane?
Laughter, and the people who induced it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmm … Drake, I guess? He is so lyrically delicious.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
None in particular, I’m quite apathetic.
37. Who did (do) you miss?
I only saw my dad for the collective equivalent of one month this year, so I missed him a lot. As for who I miss now? I miss my Grandma - she’s back in the philippines. I also miss my American Boy.
38. Who was the best new person/people you met?
Only one person comes to mind; his name is Roland. :)
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
So many! One of the biggest lessons this year was to live, and let live. We can’t take on the problems and burdens of the people around us, no matter how much we love them. We are responsible for our own happiness and futures! If you want things to change, then change them.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight, party tonight.
The Real Her - Drake.
The 365th day.
This was written on January 31, 2011.
The first month of the year has already come and gone. Next thing you know, it’ll be 2012. So with time going by faster than initially anticipated, it has forced me to stop and think.
I refuse to be in the same place this time next year, and by that I mean physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I want to be better. I want this year to be different.
I love Sydney, I really do. This is an amazing city and I am truly blessed to be able to call this place home. But … I’m bored. It pains me to say it, but I am. It pains me even more because one of my favourite quotes/phrases is, “Only boring people get bored”. I don’t want to be a boring person. I noticed that I’m either away, planning or counting down the days until I get out of the country – which says something. I’m so comfortable in this city. Everyone and everything I love is within reach. It’s a comfortable, easy life. Thing is, I want to be uncomfortable. And I want to say yes when I would ordinarily say no.
Sydney, I’m giving you 365 days to prove to me that I belong in this city. So show me what you’ve got!
—-
It is now December 31, 2011.
Is it completely sad that, almost 365 days later, I still feel the same? Well, kind of the same.
This was the year of epiphanies; about me, about those around me, about my purpose, goals, and the direction I should be going in etc. One of these realisations is that Sydney is home. But, I feel like right now is the perfect time for me to run away from home. Even for a little while.
If a New Year is good for anything, it is its power to elicit change and give people a “clean slate” – if they want or need one. While changes can be made at any time of the year, there is something about a new year that inspires you to make the changes you’ve wanted to make all year, but never could. That’s certainly how I feel right now.
If I’m going to do something different in 2012, it will be to be more open to the opportunities that present themselves to me. While I did say “Yes” to a lot more that I normally would this year, I still found myself saying “No” – and who knows what amazing experiences or life lessons I missed out on because of that! Lost opportunities are exactly that; they’re lost.
2011 came and went so fast; more so than any other year that I have previously used that same phrase on. If time flies while you’re having fun, then I must have had an extremely fun year. I can’t deny that; it was a pretty crazy/beautiful twelve months.
I’m looking forward to 2012; something tells me it’s going to be a cracker of a year. Possibly even the best one yet!
![Dedicated to my fellow runt; Karmela, aka Bergs.
KAR[A]MEL for life! ♡](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lfh98aNRv31qazstso1_500.png)
Dedicated to my fellow runt; Karmela, aka Bergs.
KAR[A]MEL for life! ♡
(via bigcity-black-and-white)
"Sometimes I’ll look at a couple and wonder when I’ll be THAT kind of happy.
Then i’ll look at another and am beyond thankful that I’m MY kind of happy."
Then i’ll look at another and am beyond thankful that I’m MY kind of happy."
— ♡ mooty.
✩ Merry Christmas to all my fellow naughty folks! ✩
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